The Lonely Road

Peter Pan

last night you didn't want to go to bed so we sat in the chair, looking at a pattern on the ceiling coming from your glow egg night light and we listened to Patty. "Peter Pan" came on and it took me back to the day you were born. the first thing i did at the hospital once we settled into the room was set up the radio and put on Patty Griffin. i wanted you to be born to a Patty song. i wish i could say i knew exactly what song was playing when you made your entrance but i don't. there were so many things going on i had no idea music was even playing. i like to think it was "Peter Pan," and if anyone asks, that's what we'll tell them. it'll be our secret.

i'm so anxious for you to grow up but last night, sitting in the rocking chair, looking at the ceiling was kinda nice too.

Hey, Peter Pan
I'm going home now
I've done all I can
Besides I'm grown now
I'll think of you all painted with the night
You sit and watch from somewhere
As one by one the lights go out

don't grow up too fast. i love you buddy.

new emotion for you (and me)

you're at the hockey game with uncle don tonight and i'm an emotional wreck.

we went to dinner before the game and you acted in a way i have never seen before. you seemed to be getting impatient sitting in the high chair, reaching out hoping one of us would rescue you. you were told repeatedly to sit down and after uncle don saying it rather firmly, you looked at him, kinda turned your head down, pouted a little, sticking out your bottom lip just a tad almost like you were going to cry (which you never did). buddy, i think you got your feelings hurt and this is the first time you showed it, maybe it was a new emotion for you? you looked like you just lost your favorite toy and realized it was never coming back. and you stayed that way for the rest of the meal until we started walking to the arena. i felt so sad for you. all i wanted to do was scoop you up out of that chair and hug you til your smile came back. and i felt really bad for uncle don.

normally when you go to game with uncle don and aunt shannon, your mother and i go on a date. tonight, we came home instead to watch one of our favorite tv shows. when it was over, we had time to go to the store. it hit me as we were walking out the door, we didn't have to pack up the diaper bag or make sure your diaper was changed or make sure you had a coat because the temperature had dropped or any of the other "is Serif ready to go?" things we have to do. it was just like the "old days" before you arrived. and it felt odd.

i have heard many fathers say they can't imagine life without their child or they can't even remember what it was like before they were parents. a friend at work asked me shortly after you were born "can you imagine life without him?" and i had to honestly answer "yes, i can!" your mom and i dated for four years and were married for fourteen before we had you, so those 18 years of memories are deep in my brain. tonight though, as we were walking out the door to go to the store was the first time in the 17 months you have been in our life that i could honestly say i couldn't imagine life without you. you are the new normal for us and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i love you buddy,

dad

lonely boy?

hey buddy

i picked you up from daycare today and you and your classmates were in the rainy day room playing. well, they were playing. i peeked in the window and couldn't see you anywhere. i thought you might be hiding so i opened the door and you were all by yourself sitting on a bean bag in the front corner of the room. you looked very happy but my heart broke for you.

i worry for you boy. more than i ever thought i would. before you were born, i worried that something would be "wrong" with you. you came out perfect though. for the first year, i worried i might do something to mess you up, or drop you, or break you in some manner. you have proven yourself pretty durable though. now that you are developing a little bit of a personality, i pray that you grow up happy. i pray you have close friends and one day and that you ultimately find someone you love as much as i love mommy. i pray you don't grow up lonely.

i hope as you grow older we can look back on you in the corner at daycare all by yourself and see it as early evidence of you having an independent soul and not wanting to fit in with the crowd. hey, maybe you were just trying to get away from those nasty kids that bite you? whatever the situation, however you turn out, independent or not, know that i love you. more than i thought i could.

dad

photos

this is what's behind me at work. every time i turn around, i see you (and mommy). i hope you look back at these one day and they make you smile as much as they do me. i love you.